Wandering Heart
by Zipporah
Summary: Relena contemplates in what ways she's grown up, who she's becoming, how she behaved in the war, and what could have beeen different. WARNING: contains mentions of YAOI (m/m)


Title: Wandering Heart  
  
Author: Zipporah  
  
Genre: Angst  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. I do not have permission to use them. Their use is solely for my enjoyment; no money is exchanging hands. The storyline is mine. Questions or comments? Review!  
  
WARNING: This story contains an ever-so-slight mention of SLASH. It is primarily NOT A SLASH STORY, but it does mention it. You have been forewarned.  
  
Notes: Thank yous go to Hurkon, Corpruga, and my cousin Jill for editing and suggestions. Also thank you fanfiction.net for posting my work. Advance thanks to anyone who bothers to review. I love you.  
  
All of that said, read on!  
  
He doesn't love me.  
  
I can accept that. I admit that it's my fault that most people wouldn't believe that sentence. When a girl packs her bags and follows a guy all across the globe, it's generally assumed that she won't give him up, because she loves him too much, but my response to that is that everyone has their odd moments of insanity. It would be a lie, however, to say that I always thought this way.  
  
So when did falling in love become an issue? When I encountered Heero Yuy for the first time, I was fifteen and I had never really had a crush. That, however, does not mean that I had no romantic experience. Plenty of boys I knew, really all the boys I knew, had had crushes on me. I just assumed that one day I would meet one that could hold my attention for more than a few moments, and we'd live happily ever after. It never occurred to me that this boy wouldn't be in love with me, too. Overly simplistic, I know, but true. He would be daring, brave, handsome, smart, and intriguing. In short, a lot like Heero. Thus, fate set me up.  
  
The second problem was that Heero didn't seem to like me all that much. That's something of an understatement. He threatened to kill me. Faced with a totally new approach to human interaction, I had absolutely no idea how I was supposed to react. Rather than thinking through the problem logically, like any sane adult, I reacted like any teenager would. I tried to - well, I'm not sure what I was thinking. I think that part of it was that I was trying to get back onto solid ground. By acting more like "myself" than ever before, being even more like the "me" everyone I saw on a daily basis wanted, knew, and accepted, I could feel more secure. I think I might have been trying to teach him a little bit, too. Goodness knows the boy needed lessons in decorum!  
  
All of that contributed of course, but more and more, I'm beginning to see that the biggest problem was that I did like him. How is that a problem? Simple, really, even if it's also decidedly strange. Heero was smart, reserved, driven, mature, and a really good dancer. I felt we had enough in common that we could be friends. However, in my own little fantasy land where it's always happily ever after, I saw that he was the closest thing to Prince Charming I had met to date, and so I fancied myself utterly and completely in love with the man. The type of love that's so strong, you can die of a broken heart. It wasn't, of course, so I didn't act like a person in love would. Instead, I subconsciously tried to act like a woman in love, and came over as an obsessed teenager, which of course I was.  
  
So, in this obsessed haze, I failed to notice that Heero never really acted like he was all that interested in me. When his eyes passed over me, I fancied he was staring at me. When he gave me orders, I fancied he worried for my safety. When he didn't kill me, I fancied this circumstance was something unique.  
  
The fact that I'm not dead of a broken heart has helped me, more than anything else, to come to terms with the simple fact that Heero Yuy does not love me.  
  
He never will love me.  
  
This one is a bit harder to come to terms with, but I do accept that Heero Yuy will never love me.  
  
I don't know how long I would have gone on pining after Heero, had nothing happened to end it, but it's somewhat irrelevant, because something did. In AC 197, Heero Yuy and Chang Wufei publicly "came out". There was no longer any denying the truth, because Heero Yuy had told the world that he was gay.  
  
That's not to say I didn't try. I tried hard! Slowly, however, I began to see the way he treated me for what it was - as a stupid babysitting charge on bad days, and a stupid little sister on good ones. I came to realize, ever so slowly, that even if we were both smart, driven, idealistic, and good at dancing, that that's not all that makes a good relationship. I came to see that Heero would not spend his life with me.  
  
I never loved him.  
  
Oddly enough, this is the real problem in this little situation, likely because it is the one most directly involved with me. It was me alone, who tricked myself into "falling in love" with Heero. Most girls my age would have fallen for him. Hence, in no time, I had myself convinced that I should fall for him. From there, it was a short step to the notion that I had fallen for him. For two years of my life, for two years of teenage existence, I based my romantic life on the fact that I was in love with Heero Yuy.  
  
So, that's the first reason I think I did it. I should have loved him. Oddly enough, it contradicts slightly with the second reason - that I couldn't love him. No one could love the cold pilot of a Gundam. No one could love a killer. More than any other reason, no one could love someone who couldn't and wouldn't love them back.  
  
In a way, it was a dangerous love, one that satisfied my need to take a risk. I was giving my heart to a man who killed and made war on a daily basis, something no other woman I knew was daring enough to do. In another, more real sense, it was the safest love imaginable, because deep down inside, I knew he'd never love me, and I knew I didn't love him. If we ever got together and the inevitable breakup came, or if we never got together, and he got with someone else, the disappointment would be real, but I would be its root cause, making it something I could (I must have thought) control and get over quickly. The heartbreak would be real, but not complete.  
  
Partly to blame is also my desire for attention. It's childish, I know, and now I'm almost ashamed of it. But. Everyone noticed me. Even the Gundam pilots. I was considered by some to be stupid, by some to be a lunatic, by some to be romantic, and by some to be hopeless. The point was, they all thought of me.  
  
Finally, there was my desire to be in love with someone - anyone.  
  
So, yes, there was a lot of foolishness on my part involved. I did more stupid things in those two years than in the rest of my life, and all in the name of my almost-real love. And I know that they're foolish. That is why I have so much difficulty admitting to them. Whatever else I have or don't have, I do possess pride, and it's difficult to overcome. However, I think I can. I think that yes, I can accept that I, Relena Dorlan Peacecraft, was never in love with Heero Yuy.  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: Well? What do you think? Please review! 


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